Parenting Blog

5 Products Ready For A Pumpkin Spice Makeover

Along with the start of ‘Which NFL football players are heading to jail before the start of the season’ season, ‘Buying 128 glue sticks for back to school’ season, and ‘Halloween costume pop-up shops appearing in previously abandoned suburban strip mall retail spaces’ season, the ‘Flavor everything pumpkin’ season has become an integral part of how we whacky Americans like to put a big ugly bow on the end of the summer…season. But, believe it or not, the pumpkin spice all-up-in-your-grill trend can be expanded. That’s right, there are still some products that have yet to adopt the pumpkin spice marketing strategy. Here are five products ready for a pumpkin spice makeover:

Pumpkin Bacon

Pumpkin Bacon

I mean, why the fuck not? Everything else is already bacon flavored, let’s combine two of the most obnoxious pop culture food phenomenons of the 21st-century into one disgusting ‘applewood smoked’ delicacy. And by the way, can we call bullshit on this applewood smoked thing? As if all those fast food joints are smoking their bacon over crackling applewood. Please, just stop it.

PUMPKIN BUD LIGHT

Bud Light Pumpkin and Bud Light Pumpkin-A-Rita

The titan of crap beer has already pushed all their chips to center of the table in the citrus-flavored crap beer market, it’s finally time they infuse their swill with the most abundant spice of autumn. Make it limited edition, give it a collectible orange can, and market the holy hell out it, as they do.

Pumpking Hunter Running Shoes

The Pumpkin Hunter Running Shoes

Not only would these $349.99 running shoes be nuclear-grade, Dutch National Team, glow-in-the-dark orange in color, not only would the insoles send up a small puff of pumpkin bread smell every time your feet pressed down onto them, but these prestigious kicks would also emit a pumpkin seeded slime all Spy Hunter oil slick video game style that will interfere with the racers behind you, thus carrying you to sweet smelling victory in your next Spartan Iron Man 750 mile Ultra Marathon.

Pumpkin Spice Condom

Pumpkin Spice Condoms

Because, let’s be honest with ourselves, there’s nothing sexier than freshly baked pumpkin pie. So why not approximate exactly that while making sexy sex with your lover man…or woman. Don’t forget the whipped cream. *Note: it’s possible these were once a thing, maybe years ahead of its time…time for a comeback.

breathe right pumpkin spice

Pumpkin Infused Breathe Right Nasal Strips

Finally, the easiest way ever to wake up EXTREMELY ready to plunk down $7 for another pumpkin chai grande double express latte with froth in the shape of a jack-o-latern, after a night of pumpkin scented dreams injected directly into your brain through the bridge of your nose.

Got a product you think would be improved by adding pumpkin scent or flavor? Let’s hear it!

*Apologies for my terrible Photoshop skills. I have no idea what I’m doing.
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One Comment

  1. I’m sure the Food Babe has something bad to say against PS condoms.

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