Surprisingly (mercifully?) the camera did not add 10 pounds but strangely, I feel kinda cheated. I’d long dreamed of someday blaming the lens for my sizable girth — isn’t that part of the deal in this biz? Shit, guess not. I am actually that large…well, was that large in late November when a 10-person film crew from Skype spent an entire Sunday in my home filming us doing us-like things. If only you could see the titillating scraps on the cutting room floor. Hot damn. There’s the sexy montage of me folding laundry and doing dishes that may just have landed me a Daytime Emmy nod. If only. And oh shit, fixing your eyes on my manly man self in the kitchen making PB&J sandwiches in HD would’ve blown your f’in minds. What could have been.
As it is, there’s about 50 seconds of me, my girls, my parents, my middle brother’s family, and a tiny slice of the great kindie musician Todd McHatton (do you know the song “I Think I’m A Bunny” from Sirius XM Kids Place Live? yeah, that guy) with his teenage son Cooper (who writes for OWTK occasionally, including this spoiler-free LEGO Movie featurette). There’s even Charlie Capen and Andy Herald’s book The Guide To Baby Sleep Positions on my bookshelf, two doors down from Abe Lincoln’s head and a kitschy nesting doll.
Thanks to Skype for letting me play the role of a lifetime. I’d like to thank my parents, my team of agents, my butler, my cleaning lady, my management company, my tabby cat, and all the little people who helped me get to where I am today…[queue the ‘get his fat ass off the stage’ orchestral music]
Read my blog post on Skype.com about family, friends, and the connectedness of modern life.
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