The Day Social Media Died

The Day Social Media Died

What would we do if social media, all of it — Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Snapchat, shit, even LinkedIn and Google+ (wait, that IS dead, right?) — what would we do if all of it went away right now. Poof, gone.

No more notifications, no more DMs, no more Likes, no more random LinkenIn requests to connect from people you’ve before never heard of, no more…whatever the hell Google+ did.

Are you trembling at the thought? Or are you giddy to get something back, addition by subtraction?

On the morning of the day social media died there’d be a bewildering set of empty spaces on your laptop toolbar where the bookmarks once waited to be clicked and your smartphone apps will have vanished leaving only Candy Crush and Waze on your homescreen the next time you swipe and enter your passcode.

It simply must be posed this way, as the imaginary day social media died of natural causes, because very few of us (that’s a polite way of saying no-fucking-body) is leaving their social media channels behind voluntarily, so what if they all vanished as quickly as they arrived. What would you do with the time?

Would you write the great American novel, a children’s book? I’m trying…but Twitter! Maybe now I’ll have the time that’s been there all along.

It could be a good opportunity to finally watch all the Amazon Instant Video movies and catch up on all the Netflix shows your Facebook friends (gonna have go from memory now because — poof, it’s gone remember?) have been going on and on about since forever? Stranger Things and The Get Down, you’re both gonna have to wait because you’re so new and I still haven’t seen one episode of Daredevil, Last Chance U, Chef’s Table, Orange is the New Black and Fuller House (oh wait, that last one was avoided on purpose).

Maybe you’ll look up and around during your walks? I know that I’d like to stop bumping into people and maybe catch a glimpse of that bluebird flying past.

Will you get back down on the floor and play with your kids? God, I’d sure like to try that again.

Your friend could probably stand for a 45-minute phone call about that status update you just sad face emoticon-ed early today. That’s a call I’d have answered last week.

So what’s it going to be for you on the day, and on the days that follow the day, that social media died?

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