Remember When July was Called Summer Break not Back To School Season?

Posted by Jeff on July 8, 2014 at 11:42 am

The week of July 7th, it turns out, is when the big red button was pushed. Somewhere, maybe in a boardroom, or in a committee pre-meeting about the actual meeting but before the follow-up meeting to discuss what was discussed during that very same meeting, or possibly in a sterile, nondescript data processing center. Somewhere the button was pushed and the back to school sales machine began in earnest.

A parent can only assume this was a mutually agreed upon date, that the likes of Wal-Mart, K-Mart, Marky-Mart, Kohl’s, JC Penny’s, Amazon, and Land’s End, along with pretty much every other retailer and brand doing business in America, decided, in unison, that the week of July 7th was high time to begin convincing parents and kids that July isn’t actually about cannonballs, sandy toes, day camps, road trips, and backyard sprinklers, but about buying glue sticks, pencil cases, khakis and new shoes for a school year no child and at least one parent (me) has interest in considering. Plus,

NOBODY SHOULD BE BUYING KHAKIS IN JULY!

It’s a mere two weeks — 2 stinkin’ weeks! — after my kids and many other children have wrapped up their previous year of school, and so I say go to hell, Back to School ‘Season’. Go directly to hell. We’re going to bliss out in summer before we buy a single glue stick or a pair of fucking khakis.

I don’t know what ‘#FindYourYes’ means, Kohl’s, but I’m guessing it has nothing to do with #EnjoyingYourSummerBreak.

…or, I dunno, “have a happy summer” ?? — Walgreens 2014 Back to School Ad

JC Penny’s promises to “help you look smart all year long,” starting in the summer, apparently.

Wal-Mart 2014 Back to School Sale Image Header

Wal-Mart is going after the hipster-yuppie demographic with their 2014 Back to School sales push. I don’t know any of those people, but I have to imagine they enjoy summer too.

Lands End 2014 Back to School Sale Ad Image Header

No one needs a new backpack in early July. No one. Stop it, Land’s End.

Oh, Amazon. C’mon, you ship everything the minute we order it, so you of all people (Corporations are people now, right?) can wait a month or so before you bombard us with Back to School deals.