No Soup, Or Allowance, For You!Parenting Blog Humor — By Jeff on October 16, 2012 at 2:40 pm
Here’s the one where I make myself the Soup Nazi of kid’s allowances, so that’d be the Allowance Nazi, I guess.
My girls haven’t received their weekly allowance ($3 / Bear, $2 / Mouse) for months. Sitting here trying to conceive of this post, I cannot actually remember the last time I distributed to them their dolla dolla bills, y’all.
Why, you might ask, are these darling children not getting their allowance?
Because they don’t deserve it.
What, you want something more substantial than that?
Fine. My girls haven’t received their weekly allowance because they’ve been patently ignoring their responsibility sheets that hang like an ignored cobweb in the kitchen, this even after the Bear and the Mrs. went to great lengths (in a complete time waste) to adjust fonts, colors, and imagery on her chores chart. Yeah, that made AAAAAAAALL the difference. Not even the magic of mirror effect could spur the child into action! Word has it, the last Mid East peace plan also featured this dazzling Microsoft Word effect, but alas, it failed to help establish a Palestinian State and bring stability to the region. If turning the atrocious Curlz font into a reflection on a still lake doesn’t work there OR on an 8-year-old’s daily responsibilities word.doc, what hope do we have left for this crazy world.
Are the jobs they’re tasked with completing each day too difficult, you may find yourself wondering? Is this why they do not perform as expected (or at all)? Well, no, no they are not.
- Making your bed is not challenging, especially when you are so short that you don’t even mess the bottom half of your twin bed during the night, meaning all that is needed in the AM is to pull up, from the midway point, the flat sheet and comforter, fluff pillow if so desired, and shazam, check that one off the list.
- Brush teeth without being asked? What a freakin’ doozy!
- Carry your own used breakfast and dinner dishes into the kitchen. Holy hotpants, that is like 8 1/2 feet of one-way distance to navigate whilst carrying a plate or bowl and an empty cup! HOW CAN IT BE DONE?
- Don’t ignore the puddle of spilled milk on the table once said bowl has been lifted off of said table!! Why am I so damn demanding??
No Allowance For You! Go ahead and have as much soup as you want, it’s fine.
Post Script To This Post
So, money doesn’t motivate my girls. A good thing, technically speaking. They generally want for nothing, not because they are spoiled (they are not) or have so much already (although they kinda do, because of the nature of what I do here on OWTK,) and not because I’m a ridiculously great parent (no comment). It is just that they exist, to this point in their young lives, as outside the commercialized world as one can be while still being smack dab in the middle of it. It’s confusing, I know, but here we are. Hanging on tightly.
They haven’t asked for their allowance once since it stopped coming to them, and have never asked for money for anything, like, ever. The funny thing is, this post came out of me WANTING to give them their dollars each week, but not being able to because they are falling short of expectations, and from me being frustrated at the lunacy of all of this.
*image is a section of the Bear’s actual responsibility list.